2006-10-19 - 7:54 p.m.

so, it turns out that i’m goal orientated

nice to finally figure that out once i hit 50 - it probably would have been helpful if i had figured it out a bit earlier in life - might have made for a happier life

maybe i did figure it out, but then got busy with a goal and forgot about it

i went into this funk about a week ago and instead of not knowing why i was funked out, i understood it pretty quickly - i have no goal on the horizon for which to work, organize, plan

since at least april, if not before, i’ve been busy in the planning mode

art guy moved in april 1, but before that we were getting the old place ready - rearranging, making room, unpacking, that kind of stuff

mid-may was my 50th birthday and prior to that i was in the planning mode for the big day - to parachute or not to parachute - deciding yes and then planning that and the rest of the day

memorial day weekend was the napa weekend when some friends, my sister and her family came to town and we did napa, san francisco, eating, drinking, the city again and other things - ok, most of the planning, organizing and such was handled by jc, but my mind was in planning mode, so i think it counts

at the end of june, art guy and i went to iceland and copenhagen - and, hey baby, that was all me in the planning, obtaining the goal mode - plane tickets, hotel reservations, car reservation, what to do, what to see - yep, that took a whole lot of planning, planning, planning

after we got back, i went back into the looking for a new place to live routine - i had started this in late april, but when we didn’t find anything by memorial day weekend, i had shelved it till we got back from vacation and once back i got right back into it and by the very end of july i had found the place

so, then august was packing, cleaning the new place, painting (art guy, not me), cleaning the old place, renting the truck for the move, turning on the new utilities, turning off the old, finally moving and then the unpacking at the new place and final clean out of the old place

and, once we were in and mostly unpacked, i turned my goal orientated self to setting up the art work in the new place - i set up two photo walls - which, i think turned out really well - each wall has about 10+ photos - i worked with art guy to pick the photos and some frames, then i got them developed, picked up a few new frames along the way and finally set up the wall

and, then a week ago saturday we had the house warming party - for which there was much planning and cleaning and baking and prep work and such

and, now, there is nothing in the future - no goal to plan for - nothing to think about, to make schedules for, to revisit the to-do lists, to mark off things that have been completed, to add new tasks - nope, nothing

and, my emotional self headed right into the dumper

so, i’m in a funk

sure, there is cl coming in a few weeks and then art guy’s brother is coming for a weekend and then thanksgiving in la and christmas in chicago and than a trip at the end of january to austin (i think that’s still in the works), but none of these things require planning - not real goal setting and hard core planning

so, i need to get remotivated - find a new goal

i really don’t know what that will be - but it’s out there, it will show up and i’ll get all stressed about not having enough time to do everything - but, inside i’ll be making schedules and lists and running through possible scenarios and double checking to make sure things don’t get over looked and yep, i’ll be ranting and kvetching, but really i’ll be feeling good about myself because I have a goal

but, meanwhile, it’s time to watch survivor and work on creating a mosaic table for jc

later days!

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